*delete* I hit the button twice just to make sure. I sat cross-legged at my kitchen table with the smell of a macintosh candle masking the scent of old trash and deleted my entire etsy shop.
Victory mixed with panic swept over me, like in any good decision. Finally I didn’t feel chained to being a constant production factory of knitted goods, but what if my next big business plan failed? Or what if it isn’t my life’s work? I pushed my chair away from the table and started washing dishes. The world could be ending and I would try to solve it by having a clean kitchen. At least I would die with clean plates.
So now I sit here three days later a little more confident in my decision and have a little insight to share. Hitting the reset button is scary, despite the frustrations/anger/bore with what you had been previously doing. Have you ever reset your computer when it was frozen and you weren’t sure if you saved or not? Maybe that’s a 90s baby thing, as autosave is pretty much the norm now. But what if it wasn’t?!
I was so burnt out from making things constantly, but I continued to do it out of fear. “If I jump from this ledge to the next, can it support my weight?” The hardest thing for my brain to grapple with is the ‘I don’t know’ in situations. We never really know if the next ledge can hold us and we don’t even know if where we stand now is solid.
I was with a friend asking her “which do you think is the right decision?” and she smiled and said “maybe there isn’t a right or wrong, just different.” It sounded like such a therapist expression! I scoffed then, but now I think I may get it. Sometimes when two decisions seem equal, it isn’t about what decision is the best because they are on a level playing field. No spreadsheet or pro/con list can save you, it is a win-win and you need to choose your next adventure. Flip a coin and get moving.
So for me, I could stay where I was crafting until my hands hurt, or I could pivot into a different creative role. So I chose to take the second option, and that’s why I am on your screen right now. I choose to be happy and that means creating via writing right now. I challenge you to find your happy and share it with me in the comments.
Today’s mantra: I choose the choice that makes me happiest OR I choose to be happy in my current choice without FOMO .
Fear, shame, guilt and judgement seem to flood me all at the same time when making any type of business decision. Really, the four big nastys have stopped me from pursing my dreams for quite a while.
So when I told my friends I hired a life coach/vision master/business coach, I expected scoffing, laughing and eyerolling. Not because my friends are like that (they totally aren’t) but because of the four big nastys tearing at my own heart. The story I told myself was “I am not worthy enough” or “who am I to get a life coach?”. Because I am just a 26-year old with a yarn business who doesn’t know what her next move is. I never felt like a “business person” enough to warrant such “grown up” coaching. Or that I needed to make a million dollars before I needed help.
But what if I did it? What if I loved it? What if I was making a mistake? What if I am so screwed up that I can’t be fixed? What would my friends think? What would my family think? I am already going to therapy (which BTW people don’t talk about enough) What happened when I couldn’t be perfect? What if my coach didn’t like me? What if i didn’t work hard enough? *Insert gagging noises here*
That was until I went to therapy. I took my anxiety medicine. And I hired a bomb life coach. It wasn’t anything like I expected. There was no army general yelling at me to get my f*cking life together or an accountant telling me how I don’t know how to run a business. There was a compassionate, real coach asking me about my dreams.
My friends excitedly congratulated me. My husband thrilled. The person I saw in the mirror smiled like I hadn’t seen in a long while. I have been waiting years for an opportunity like this, and it is too awesome to let worry step in.
This weeks mantra: This day is too awesome to let worry rule it.
I wanted to give you an update on the things I have done so far this year that have fit my theme “re-wilding” to inspire you. If you don’t know what I am talking about, check it out here. Otherwise, onward to the list:
used my herbs/oils every day
meditated every day
went to therapy instead of canceling
attended a vision board workshop with an amazing group of women
made so many cookies
ate a clean diet that I cooked most of (I’m not freaking martha stewart)
went to the gym 4 times a week
Before you leave, I need to tell you a secret. I asked for help with all of these things. This is what bloggers and instagram perfect mamas don’t tell you: they. get. help. For the first four things, I had to ask my husband to take care of house work so I could do those things. For the clean diet, I had to ask my mom if I could borrow her instapot so I could make stuff quickly. And for the gym, I have a contract with my job that pays me to go and supports me. So what I really should be saying on my “look at what I have done” list is:
I asked people for help.
I didn’t feel guilty about it.
So I hope you stuck with me to get to the point of this post because so often we see others accomplishments as being done in a vacuum, just by that person, all by herself. It’s shit. Rachel Hollis’ “Girl stop apologizing” called out this believe that I had that you have to be superwoman all by yourself AND I realized that if I was going to be the wild woman I am meant to be, that means accepting help as it comes.
It is finally getting colder in Indiana which means I have been organizing. Recently I gathered up all of our seed caches, yes I meant like we are squirrels hiding stuff. Between the husbando and I, we have three shoeboxes full of garden plants. Herbs, veggies, and companion flowers galore.
So instead of me giving these plants away, I am taking a new approach. Usually, we plant a small garden in the back yard, where we have very little sunlight thanks to these lovely trees plants 60 years ago. So, logically we would utilize our front yard, the land of sunshine to grow our gardens. This is where the first internal struggle comes in. 1) We live in town. A small town, but a town all the same. Since the early 1940s, the veggie garden in one’s front yard has fallen out of favor. They can look rather weedy, junky, and “white trash.”
The second issue: what if someone steals our veggies. Now, this was not a thought that crossed my mind but anyone who I tell my idea to. Peyton and I like growing plants, we eat a fraction of what we plant and give away or sell the rest. So even if someone stole everything except a cucumber, tomato and onion, I would be happy. Also, I worry about our neighborhood and their availability to fresh food. So if someone steals enough tomatoes to feed their family for a weekend, go for it. It’s not really stealing if i want people to take it and use it, right?
So after considering both of these objections, I have decided to “re-wild” my soul and life, I DON’T CARE. (listen to fall out boy serenade you here) My yard may be a little untidy, but I am feeding myself and the people around me. I can’t wait to share with you the plans and plants in March.
Hey friends! I hope you have had a lovely new year. We are half way through the first month of a new decade, and if you are anything like me, you have started to slack on new year’s resolutions. Now that I have called myself out, I have to go workout…BRB…
Earlier, when I spoke about re-wilding, my theme for 2020, I also told you about my soul-searching process to realize that theme. For some this is a word or feeling that comes to you in a dream or while you open the fridge and see nothing to eat, but not me. I have to take time to vision, focus, and meditate to get to the core of what I really want. I’m an over-achieving perfectionist, so usually I think my theme is “do more and you will be happy.” That’s just my anxiety talking. SO I am going to share my steps with you to find your theme for this year.
Find a quiet space. I know it can be hard, so lock yourself in the bathroom or sneak off to your car to zone out for ten minutes. And mamas, don’t feel guilty about this.
Settle into closed eyes and soft breathing. I like to breathe in 4 seconds, hold it for 4, and breathe out slowly for 4 or 6 counts. That way I can slow my breath…and my thousands of thoughts. Do this for 4 rounds.
Now, let your mind wander to something you love to do. Is it cooking? Cleaning? Wine with your ladies? Fishing? Whatever that is, I want you to envision yourself doing that.
I want you to think about how that feels. For me, it is like warm sunshine on my skin and a giggle bubbling up from my belly. That’s pure joy.
Let’s focus on what stops you from that joy. Is it the craziness of constant appointments? Is it you feel guilty about doing them? Is it money?
Write down the first words that come to mind. Chaos, fishing, time, self care, good food.
Circle the one word that resonates GOOD feelings in you. Remember that pure joy thing?
That word is part of your theme, but not all. Look at the BAD feeling words and pick the one that makes you feel the most awful. Circle that word.
Last step. Write the good word on a separate piece of paper. Draw a line underneath it and write the bad word below it and strike it out. Like below
Every morning, I look at this and say “Today I choose to be wild over busy” Wild for me means apologetically myself by doing the things I love (hiking, gardening, drying herbs, knitting) and reject being busy for the sake of feeding into my anxiety, perfectionism and work-a-holic nature. Whew, that’s heavy but girl that’s what this process is about.
If you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear your theme for 2020 in the comments or on instagram @nativenebula
2019 was the year of getting my **** together. It was the year of hospital visits and the realization that “Mrs. Phelps, your diet isn’t great, your stress is really high and there’s nothing the doctors in the office can help you with.”
So I hired a therapist, took my meds, did two full elimination diets, made an actual budget, did meditation, actually went to the gym, got an instapot and took some classes. 2019 was a year of changes, not that I initially wanted to make any of them. But I did. So for the past week, I have been meditating on what my 2020 will look like. Whew, girl it was eye opening. My next blog post will lead you through that process so you can kick a$$ in 2020!
Enough back story. My deepest meditations left me with the feeling of searching and longing. The goals and dreams led back to mushroom hunting, jam making and handmade items. I kept seeing more women’s-only events where we learned new skills. So, this year I want to return to the things that feel nourishing and native to me. “Re-wilding” is the permission I am giving myself to be the wild woman I have always loved being. She is kind, loving and caring but fierce to protect her people and her craft. She is daring and funny, with long leg hair and still finds herself beautiful. She loves natural magic in this world and cultivates it by tending ecosystems and growing gardens. She takes care of herself without shame and judgement. At some point I lost her because it wasn’t socially acceptable to be her.
So welcome to 2020 with me, Evie! If any of what I said resonates with you, follow me on instagram (@nativenebula) and say hello! We are in this together, wild one.